A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if you can get AIDS from oral sex.
"Yes," the pharmacist says, "statistically, you are more likely to get AIDS from oral sex than straight sex. You should still use a condom."
"OK, I'll take one."
"Will that be cash, check, or charge?"
"Just put it on my bill."
Q: What is black, white, and red and can't get through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
This man, being concerned about the rapings lately, gives his polish wife a rape whistle "just in case". The next night she comes home from work. He askes her "How was your day dear?".
She replies back "Not bad, but you know that whistle you gave me?"
He says "Yeah . . . what about it?"
She then replies "It don't work!!"
A man walks into a used car dealer, and looks around at the spare parts counter. The salesman behind the desk says to him: "Can I help you Sir?"
The man looks at the sales rep and says "I'd like a windscreen wiper for my Lada please."
The salesman replies "I think that's a fair swap..."
Q: What's yellow and sleeps alone?
Q: Why can't you take a leak at a Beatles concert?
Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs in front of a window?
A: Curt 'n Rod
Q: Did you hear about the blond opening up her own pizza place?
A: She's calling it "Pizza Slut".
Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says,
"Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!"
And the second one says, "Shut up! This one does!"
Q: How do you know that you've got overweight?
A: If you're lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try pushing you back into the sea.
Q: why do blondes wear black underwear?
A: In remembrance of all the stiffs buried there...
There is an American, a German, and a Frenchman who stumble upon a pass in the mountains with a sign on the entrance that says, "Yell the name of the country you come from and your country will receive whatever echoes back."
So the German goes first, he yells "Deutchland" (translated as Germany) and the echo returns land land land land.... So the Germans get alot of land.
The Frenchman takes his turn next and yells "Frankrich" (translated as France) and the echo returns rich rich rich rich.... So the French get alot of money. Now it's the Americans turn, he yells "United States" and the echo returns aids aids aids aids.....
Q: How do you fix your dish washer?
A: Kick her in the ass.
One night a man was getting very drunk in a restaurant. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his dick out as he went in the door. But he'd wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the toilet.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed. "This is for ladies!"
The drunk waved his unit at her. "So's this!" he shouted back.
A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his hunting rifle. He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk fitted a scope to his gun. "This scope is so good, you can read the name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said, pointing out a window.
The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his face.
"What's so funny?" asked the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."
"That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle. "My wife's at work." Looking through the scope he found the man was right. Furious, he gave back the rifle and said, "The scope is yours free if you take these two bullets. Shoot my wife in the head, and then shoot off that guy's dick."
The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in one shot."
Q: What's the definition of frustration?
A: When your date puts on her bra backwards and it fits.
Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They put a toilet seat on the stove.
Q: What's marijuana?
A: Grass that can mow down a gardener.
Q: What's worse than having your doctor tell you you have VD?
A: Having your dentist tell you.
Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q: What's a Polish vibrator?
A: A mop handle and six relatives shaking the bed.
Q: What do you do with a dead Texan who's too big for his coffin?
A: Give him an enema and put him in a shoebox.
Q: Did you hear about the Black man with insomnia?
A: He kept waking up every few days.
Q: How does a WASP decide sexual compatability?
A: They both have headaches every night at ten.
Q: What do the US Postal Service and the Kinney Shoe company have in common?
A: 500,000 Black loafers.
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful japanese girl who speaks little english, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy!
He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's golfing with the japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."
|I'm sitting on the shitter at Metro Airport and I'm backed up like rush hour traffic on twelve mile road. I'm grunting so hard I swear I popped a vein in my neck but not even a corn kernal exits. I suddenly hear the door slam open and someone running to the stall next to mine. This guy's trying his best to get his money in door and finally gives up and crawls underneath. I then hear the sweet sounds of someone taking a real healthy dump. Reverberations that I'm sure were picked up as earth tremors throughout the globe. I pipe up, "Gawd Damn!, I wish that was me right now." to which this guy replied, "Ya, I wish it was you too. I didn't get my pants down in time".||A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says "Try our Oriental Massage". So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage. He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says "Ahh, you want wanky!" So he says "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he justs lies on the bed waiting. A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says "You finished yet?"|
There was an american, german, and polack that were being held during the french revolution. They were to be be-headed in the morning.
When morning came, they stuck the american in the guillotine. When the blade came down, it got stuck half way. They figured it had to have been an act of God, so they let him go.
Then they stuck the german in the guillotine, and the same thing happened, it got stuck half way. Again they figured it was an act of God and let him go.
Then it came time for the polack. As he steps up to the guillotine, he looks up at it and says " You guys are so dumb! If you put a little grease on it, that thing would work fine!"
This cowboy was out in the desert and was captured by a renegade tribe of indians. The chief of the tribe told the cowboy that in 3 days he would be killed and that he should prepare himself for death. The cowboy's only response was to ask if he could talk to his horse. The chief dind't see anything wrong with that and told the cowboy that it was ok. The cowboy went over to his horse and whispered in his ear. A few minutes later the horse galloped off. After an hour passed the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back.
Well the cowboy and the blonde did the nasty all night long. The next day the chief went to the cowboy and asked if there was anything else he needed, for he would be put to death in 2 days. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse. Again the cowboy whispered in the horses ear and again the horse galloped off. This time it returned with a brunette. The cowboy and the brunette slapped together all night long. The next morning, the chief returned and told the cowboy that he had only 1 day left. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse. This time the cowboy didn't whisper. He said, "For the third and final time, I said POSSE!!"
Q: Why don't art students open their curtains in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in the afternoon.
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.
"Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarian on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cooking from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."
The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
|It was so cold last week that I saw several attorneys with their hands in their own pockets.||A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"|
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind:
"Do I tell my partner?"
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch
either being made.
|The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.|
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: The rooster clucks defiance.